Incoming call : Secretarial Duties
Words by Skinnie Stallion
Art by Andy Latex
Jane smiled to herself. She loved the way Andy looked as her personal assistant. His new role had also made him more organised and assertive. He needed to be if he was going to be responsible for her diary and appointments.
The last eight weeks of on-line secretarial training and Further Education with The Sisterhood had developed him a lot. They'd not only made her nephew much more knowledgeable (he'd even got a framed certificate), but he’d also grown in confidence. And, if only he knew, he’d also developed a sizeable on-line following that was proving a very nice little earner. The Sisterhood had already got her to enrol Andy on the advanced class.
It had been a while since Will had seen Andy. Will had been away with work and doing job interviews. Andy had been really worried that he might get a permanent job in London or further north. Jane knew from the excess charges on Andy’s phone that they’d spoken a lot over the last few weeks, but whenever she listened in, it was always about football or films. It seemed that Will never got the hint from Andy mostly wanting to talk about films with Keira Knightley or Emma Watson, though more lately he seemed to have taken a bit of a shine to Zendaya and Zoe Kravitz.
As Andy selected another answer, the smart camera intercom buzzed and its screen flashed into life at the same time as his inflatable Hummingplug gave him another jolt. The questions in the advanced class were so much more difficult. Andy was annoyed: no visitors were expected, and Jane had just finished her last scheduled call for the afternoon: an early finish for Friday afternoon. “I’m sorry ladies, but I’m going to need to answer the door for my Mistress,” he said to his laptop screen. It had taken all eight weeks of the elementary class for him to get used to saying ‘that word’. But he knew saying ‘for Lady Jane’ for ‘for my boss’ would set-off his Hummingplug into a mad frenzy. The advanced class had meant that he’d moved up a size and Jane had given it a couple of extra pumps after lunch just to make sure he maintained his concentration. “I’ll be back in five.” He muted the call, switched off his camera, and turned his attention to the intercom screen. It was Will.
Will back from London. Unplanned and unannounced. It was clear he had not come for work. It looked like he was already dressed for the evening.
“Yes, who’s calling?” Andy asked.
“Hi Andy, it’s me, Will.”
“Will, who?”
“It’s Will, Andy. Isn’t your doorbell camera working?”
“Do you have an appointment?”
“No, of course not. I’ve just got back on the train.”
“I’m afraid Lady Fullerton-Jones is busy right now.” Truth be told, Andy knew his Aunt had already finished her last call of the day and only a few minutes earlier had poked her head round the door to ask if he wanted a cup of tea.
“It wasn’t Jane I’d come to see.”
“And whom did you want to see?”
“You, of course!”
“Do you have an appointment?”
“Andy, I’ve just come to say hello. I haven’t seen you in ages. I wondered how you were doing and whether you wanted to go out tonight? Please let me in.”
“Very well, caller. Please come round the back of the house to the Conservatory.”
Andy went from his Study down the hall towards the Conservatory. He knew Jane would be in the kitchen or sat in the Conservatory waiting for the kettle to boil. He didn’t want to do anything without her approval. Within moments Will was round at the Conservatory and had come through to the hall. “Hi, Andy,” said Will who stopped abruptly as soon as he saw his friend, astonished by how he now looked. This was not the same Andy that he’d last seen eight weeks ago. There might still be the same boyish look and figure, but his hair was now lush, thick red curls, with stern secretarial glasses, a shiny white latex blouse, and a tight short black latex skirt that was more micro than mini, and a towering pair of black heels. And earrings. Large gold hooped earrings. But on top of that there was something intangibly different. Andy wasn’t nervous or diffident. This was an Andy he’d never seen before: an Andy exuding confidence.
“Hello, William.”
“It’s Will. Just me. Plain old Will.”
“Yes, William.”
“So do you want to go out tonight?”
“Have you booked?”
“I just called on the off-chance.”
“I’m afraid Lady Jane and I are rather busy at the moment.”
“But this evening?”
Jane had heard them talking and had come out of the kitchen and called through from the Conservatory, “Darling, I think you may have a gap later.”
“Let me check my personal organiser.” Andy opened the little moleskin notebook he was carrying. “Yes. It seems I’m free after nine-thirty. Let me pencil you in. ‘Nine-thirty: William O’Conchuir’. Very good Mr. O’Conchuir.” Andy looked over the top of his glasses at Will. “Yes, I’m sure I can fit you in. I’ll enjoy that, Will. Now, I’m afraid I must get back to my on-line meeting. I will see you this evening. Ooooooh!” Andy’s attempt to pivot on his heels and turn away was interrupted by a squeal.
“You OK, Andy?” asked a concerned Will.
“You must excuse me William, I have an incoming call I need to deal with …….” What Jane’s pretty secretary didn’t add to his plea was ‘Urgently!” He must have overrun his five minutes and his Hummingplug had gone into over-drive. Andy desperately hoped he was not going to start leaking down his legs or worse. ‘Not now, please not now!’ he thought. He had to maintain his composure. He’d been trying so hard to get the answers right on the Advanced Course, despite the ladies attempts to trip him up, and managed to contain himself all afternoon. It would be a shame to spoil (and soil) his record now, especially if he could finally persuade Will to break his duck this evening. He had to save that response for Will tonight and show how he truly felt.
As Andy tried to walk away and maintain a sense of decorum and calm authority, while squirming and trying to control his inner delight, William retreated to the Conservatory. “It’s lovely to see you again Will,” said Jane. “Do you like Andy’s new look as my secretary?”
“He looks amazing, Lady Jane. Simply amazing.”
“I’m so pleased that you’ll be able to drop round this evening after our Friday night dinner with Chantelle. I’ll be fully occupied afterwards, so it’s good that you have time for Andy. He definitely has a slot that needs filling.”
“Er, yes, Lady Jane,” agreed a perplexed Will, not sure whether he entirely understood what either Andy or Lady Fullerton-Jones had just said to him.
“And Will …”
“Yes, Lady Jane?”
“When you come back, bring a toothbrush.”
“Yes, Lady Jane.”
It may have been a pleasant surprise to have Will stop by. He was definitely taken by his friends new, polished look, but Andy is now in efficient, Secretarial mode and will take care of business even with the distraction of his well hidden Hummingbird.
ReplyDeleteHi Lee, i think Andy puts on a good front of efficiency but that hummingbird is a naughty distraction. So glad you liked this little piece XXX
DeleteMore than happy with the title change. I'd be happy with whatever you want to change. It's a privilege to able to write an accompaniment to your marvellous artwork. I'm extraordinarily flattered that you made some changes to your original artwork and added dialogue that aligned. (I see Andy also gained an elegant little headset from the Patreon original.) It's like, for once, we had a coherent agreement about what was going on.
ReplyDeleteThank you also for allowing me to amend the typos from the version published first thing this morning.
Hope your recovery is progressing well.
S xxx
It was only coherent because I was smart enough to go with your super concept my friend, I might post the original as a collectors item on Patreon.
DeleteAlways happy to clear up typo's ,nothing wrong with striving for perfection XXX
Fab art and words. Those advanced classes, really are advanced. Gosh. xx
ReplyDeleteOnly the most dedicated will pass those classes Aidan, dedicated personally or with dedicated Aunts to push them. Fancy signing up? XXX
DeleteOf course and I'm sure lots here would too. xx
DeleteWe will get you enrolment papers out ASAP my friend xxx
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